I’d rather an honest enemy than a deceitful friend.
I’d rather you talk to me than play pretend.
At least an enemy and I would have an honest fight
Won’t give me a smiling hug and leave a knife dripping in my back.

I still love you–
Oh like hell you do.
No stretch of that definition
Can cover what you’ve done.

The next time someone says
You know I care about you–
Well no, I don’t anymore
Coz I once believed it of you.

But when I wake up
Will you stay up with me
And tell me these past few months
Have been just a bad dream.

That’s all you are to me now
A nightmare or two
Or more like a nonstop rerun of them
I haven’t stopped dreaming of you.

Can you let go that easy
Like a bipolar storm
That enjoys sunshine for a day
And then hails until there’s none.

Can you walk out that easy
Like an amnesiac freak
Who suddenly can’t remember
Your best friend for years was me.

Oh, who’s gonna be at the altar with you now
Standing by your side as your groom comes down?

Who’s gonna sit laughing on a summer day
Margaritas and Cosmo in hand
Watching our kids grow up together
Like the best friends we never had.

Who do you text now, every hour, every day?
With all the random things we used to say.
Who do you sit laughing with over the stupidest things
And five minutes later you’re debating philosophy…..

And I hate you now even all the more
As I realize I’ll never be able to hate you a day in my life.

And it hurts the more, that even through my loss
I’ve stood back up and grown the stronger, appreciate my true friends the more now;
But your soul that was the higher
The part that I (and what was mine) used to liven will die.

And I will regret that here forever, dear
To see that part of you withering and eternally die.

So now you’re a different soul
Lately I was just friends for old times’ sake.
But I still believed you could be again
Everything you once were meant to be.

Not this mediocrity
Not such complacency
Such normal sentimentality
Don’t you ever dream of wanting to fly?

I’d rather an honest enemy than a deceitful friend
But a person playing games hurts her own self most in the end.

And the first cut–I saw none of it coming, nothing prepared to say–
And now all there is, is kiss my cheek again–et tu, Brute?

I’d rather an honest enemy
But here we are again.
Brute has made his choice.
Perhaps he never was Caesar’s friend.

Come on in for a cup of afternoon tea
Come in in for some girly gossiping.
We’ll snuggle real close and watch some scary TV
Everything’s all right when you’re next to me.

But the clouds rolled in and it began to rain
And almost imperceptibly, you changed.
You promised our sisterhood would always remain
But you never promised you would stay the same.

And as I see you
Can’t help but miss you
But I can’t avoid the truth
You’re long gone.
As I was waiting
You were straying
You’re a different person than the friend
Who used to be so strong.

You and I used to belong
But my life is emptier now.
You were long gone
Before you told me it was so.
How could I be so blind?
How could you be so sure?

A smiling painted face, so terrifying to me
Acting like an injured first-grader instead of a sister to me.
I’d rather you be honest and angry
Then put on a facade till the moment you took your leave.

Was it always rotten?
Was none of it true?
Are you merely incapable
Of what they’re all telling me now?

And they say it was never healthy
You never had my back, despite what you said to me.
Our friendship was rotten long ago
Our friends are telling me now.

And I see what they’re saying
But it can’t be true…..
I meant every promise I ever made.
It can’t mean nothing to you.

And as I see you
Can’t help but miss you
But I can’t avoid this reality
You long since choose to be gone.

And all the things you did
All the promises you broke
Become the harder when I realize I’d forget them in a heartbeat if you ever said I’m sorry–let’s please try again.

You used to be so beautiful, so strong
Our best-friendsness, inside jokes, made us belong.
Now I understand the song I didn’t before–
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

You’re long gone
It’s time to move on
And not grieve for the death of a once-kindred soul
Who no more wants to belong.

Here I am again, dancing forth into the world
I’ve done it time and time again.
And you think when I’m in your arms
That’s the only place I wanna be.

And you think my open smiles and laughter and eyes
Are all focused on you
Oh baby baby
That’s not the way it is.

How can you pin down a butterfly?
Keep the sun shining only for you?
Don’t try to hold me down for long;
It’ll only be the harder when I eventually dance away.

I was given wings for a reason;
To fly and fly so high.
The only way you’ll keep me
Is to break me down so I can’t fly.

And I laugh like it takes my breath away
Coz darling, that’s what it does.
But I laugh for joy and heartbreak
Not because it’s just for you.

I didn’t mean for this to end
Didn’t want you to think we were more than just friends.
I treat everybody this way.
Stop thinking it’s all about you.

And you’re beautiful and charming and funny;
But I’m not ready to settle down.
I like you lots, but it’s just a crush;
It doesn’t mean anything at all.

This unchained spirit of mine wasn’t meant
To be tied down anytime soon.
I’d rather fly and fall and burn
Then land and stay, and be done.

I might not be what you’ve wanted
But I’ll never tell you a lie.
The only way to keep me
Is to leave the broken-winged bird to die.

These wings are on my soul to fly
And if I fall, it’s coz I flew that high.
Don’t break me down to keep me.
Let me go and let me fly.

If it’s meant to be, I’ll come back to you;
If it’s meant to be I’ll see in time.
You won’t tie me down, but together we’ll rise;
But till then, just let me fly.

Do you believe in ghosts?
For I see them every day.
The face of a loved one
Who won’t go away.

The ashes of the embers
Of a love I once knew.
Of a love I’ll never taste again–
Only the ghosts are true.

And they came knocking at the windows
They came creeping by the doors.
We are the captains of our fate
But they commandeer our souls.

And it’s all in my head now
And I can finally see
When death has kissed you gently
It’s then that you believe.

And his face is all before me–
Do you believe in ghosts?
The sun it burns, adrift at sea
Out of sight of every coast.

The ghost is all that’s true to me no w
It’s all I’ll ever know–
In embracing life and laughter and love
I had you but sold my soul.

The shadow is not a departed one
For you lose, and mourn, and survive.
But haunted eternally by a love never known–
Hounded down until you die.

And I thought heaven and hell were the afterlife
But they exist here for my soul.
And I cannot shake off your shade forever;
I cannot forsake what’s my own.

And I know, now, what I believe.
Do you believe in ghosts?

Don’t be afraid, you’ll be found someday.
Just don’t you let go.
Then you turn and walk away
I’m the only one who knows.

You’re setting out on this lonely road
On a quest to save your soul.
You say I should know my dream
But my dream is to find it with you.

Your soul speaks to my soul
But you will never know
Unless someday you hear it too.
I will wait here alone
You are my soul’s home.

What is the fire, your one desire
Though it cost your life, don’t you let go.
But I’m blind and wandering; lost in these woods;
What I want, I don’t even know.

But all I see is at my feet
Your soul is the only one that hears mine scream.
And at last I see clearly, now I see the light;
My dream is to find my dream.

Your soul speaks to my soul
Will you never know?
Someday maybe you’ll hear me too.
Till then, I wait alone.
You are my soul’s home.

Your soul is the only soul I’ve known
That speaks so acutely into my own.
Never fear, love, never fear.
Never-ending is this road.

Only you will do
Only your soul so speaks to mine.
At last the fog has lifted
And now I see the light.

My quest is still before me;
My journey, still unknown.
But I wish to wander these roads with you
For you are my only home.

Here, in the sunlight, the scales have fallen
And here, I know it’s you.
Your soul speaks to my soul.
I will find my dream with you.

The strength it takes to lay down your arms
To take their barbs for being merely who you are.
Sometimes this battle seems impossible to fight.
Your heart still goes out to him
For you never stopped being open to him.
He was your guiding star before he disappeared into the night.

I am only as loved as I am open
Only as beautiful as I am broken.
Even though they’re coming at me, I will choose to stay.
I can only be wounded if I’m open to love
And it is the stronger the weaker you are.
Put your sword and armor away.
You will live to fight another day.

Your victory is not the way they seem
They try to cut you down so they cannot see
It’s harder to forcibly lay down your sword as theirs is lifted high.
Looking death straight in the eye
Marching into sheol, wonder why
They took your crown of thorns and made his victory mine.

I am only as loved as I am open
Only as beautiful as I am broken.
Even though they’re coming at me, I will choose to stay.
I can only be wounded if I’m open to love
And it is the stronger the weaker you are.
Put your sword and armor away.
You will live to fight another day.

I surrender nothing to you
But every word I gave was true.
I still love you more each day.
And you strike all the harder to hide your pain
I can take the bullet for your sake.
I will live to win another day.

I am only as loved as I am open
Only as beautiful as I am broken.
Even though they’re coming at me, I will choose to stay.
I can only be wounded if I’m open to love
And it is the stronger the weaker you are.
Put your sword and armor away.
You will live to fight another day.

My sword is on the wall and I am waiting with uncrossed arms.
I can wait to win this battle till you can finally see clearly again.
Till then I can take the bullet for the sake of love.
I was always the stronger one
And it’s painful to see how hurtful you are.
All things beautiful come from something broken.
Even so, then, come.

I am only as loved as I am open
Only as beautiful as I am broken.
Well then, I am beautiful enough.
Even so, love, come.

I’m going to start posting a monthly disclaimer on my blog.

Disclaimer: almost none of my poems are straight-up about my life; I rarely write holistically autobiographical poems. To write, I take an emotion or feeling that I’ve experienced (or that a friend has experienced), isolate it, exaggerate it to the nth degree, and then write a song about it. Tapping into an intense emotional experience and writing a song about that particular emotion is one of the ways my muse operates….my muse is very finicky about inspiration and I just go with what I’m given. I don’t write songs about my life, I write songs about the emotions, which usually end up sounding similar to my life in some way because all emotions at the heart are the same. All love songs sound the same…all break up songs sound the same. (See end.)
     Details will sometimes be taken from my real life, but I will also change details without hesitation to go with the flow of the song. The feelings in my song are all emotionally true, and I only write about what I (or a friend) has experienced, but that definitely does not mean it is true in real life, i.e. that each poem happened that same way in my life. I cannot emphasize enough that I rarely write autobiographical poems. If you read my blog, you’ll realize half of my songs or more deal with subjects like death, suicide, love affairs, being cheated on, etc—obviously not autobiographical! And ultimately—all love songs and all break-up songs all end up sounding similar, which is why every love song on the radio can seem to apply to your life even though you know Adele and Taylor Swift and Jason Derulo all have very different lives than you! So if you think this is about you…stop thinking so highly of yourself. It’s not. 

it was the dance of the year.
you said you’d come
and it made me so happy
finally, another dance with you.

with my red high heels
and that blue dress you said you loved
bright red lipstick on a brilliant smile
like i had someone to impress.

watched the door all night
as the lipstick cracked on my lips
not taking off the heels even at midnight
just in case you’d walk through that door.

and all i have to say is, he said he’d be here.
and they laugh and say did you really believe that? did you really believe he’d be true?
yes i did.
i never stopped believing in you.

and the world is spinning as they’re all laughing
but i can’t wear a mask like them.
i love you, and it breaks my heart, but i’m not ashamed to own it.
at least if you hurt me, it means i still care.

and i fell on the floor in the hallway and covered my face.
and their laughter rings in my ears.
you said you’d be here. you said you would.
and this was my birthday present instead.

and here, i fall apart
right here on the floor.
can’t even keep up appearances
there’s no one here to care.

and all i have to say is, he said he’d be here.
and they laugh and say did you really believe him?
it’s insanity to keep believing when he keeps proving you wrong.
but i never stopped believing in you.

you said you’d be here.
and it would have made my night.
someone here to see me
someone here who mattered.

you said you’d be here
and even though the dance is ending
i’m still watching the door
the prayer on the my lips fading.

and all i have to say is, he said he’d be here.
and i don’t care what you say–
“you silly little fool, just accept reality already.”
i don’t know why he stayed away.

and i’m alone on the dance floor
on the ground with my broken heels
the blue dress slowly falling around me
as they turn out the last light.

you said you’d be here.

they bring me out, their laughter fading.
tears are falling down my face
and you’re not around to fondle them away anymore.
they didn’t know how much it meant till tonight.

and in my heart, i knew why–
somehow, i thought, just one last night;
just a dance in the starlight, and a kiss at the end
this will somehow make everything right.

and that dream fell to pieces around me
as they drove off into the dark.
the moonlight broke on my dampened eyes
and the chance for that magic shattered apart.

and what you said doesn’t matter.
you made your choice long ago.
but i didn’t stop believing in magic
didn’t stop believing till tonight.

my heart echoes out into the darkness
one last final song.
i collapse on my bed alone now
still in my red lipstick and blue dress.

he said he’d be here.

he said he would.

I woke up screaming, crying, thrashing out–trying to escape
It was just a dream, just a dream, dearest. Wipe the tears from your face.
But it plays back in my head, and every bit of it seems true–
I can’t rightly divide what happened here or there, when it’s so real to me and you.

And I’m stuck here between my memory and the sheets
And it’s like I’m bleeding reality straight on through into my dreams.
Now my memories are blurred with the nightmares–you’ve been haunting me every night.
And I wake up screaming–he should have been here–but there’s no one at my side.

And I stood there naked as you told me “I don’t care a feather’s weight
About our friendship anymore–I’m so done; you can go on your way.”
Too empty to cry, I gazed at you with the naked pain in my eyes;
And you said nothing, and turned away; and I broke down and cried.

Left your bedroom and curled up under the table in the dining room;
And you heard every wrenching sob, I know, coz your door was open;
But you didn’t come to me, like you didn’t care if I cried.
I still remember when you used to wipe every tear from my eyes.

And I’m stuck here between my memory and the sheets
And it’s like I’m bleeding reality straight on through into my dreams.
Now my memories are blurred with the nightmares–you’ve been haunting me every night.
And I wake up screaming–he should have been here–but there’s no one at my side.

You used to tell me “let me see that smile–you’re the most beautiful thing on earth.”
Now you say you’re done with it all…..like you don’t care enough to hurt.
And it was like slow motion and I saw you walking down the hall
With another girl on your arm–like you never cared at all.

And I wake up screaming every night now–it keeps replaying in my head
Like I’m still in shock now—dear God this can’t be the end.
Everytime you kissed me, I would’ve sworn, you felt the fire that I did too;
But I’m standing alone now, and it hurts to hell, I loved more than you ever did.

And I’m stuck here between my memory and the sheets
And it’s like I’m bleeding reality straight on through into my dreams.
Now my memories are blurred with the nightmares–you’ve been haunting me every night.
And I wake up screaming–he should have been here–but there’s no one at my side.

I’m trapped now between my memory and the dreams
Reality’s blurring when I’m alone and yet I feel you there with me.
And the nightmare’s coming, consuming; it’s becoming the truest thing to me:
Coz at least in the nightmare, you’re still there.
At least then you’re still with me.

My sheets are cold, I’m alone. But when I dream–
Even if you’re hurting, lashing out at me–at least you’re still with me.
And the nightmare’s taking me, farther in; it’s the truest thing to me.
When I’m dreaming, I can still feel you.
At least then you’re still with me.

You’re still with me.

trapped in the despair
of a futile hope
too strong to let live;
too cheap to be broke.

he’s lost in the contours
of his own design
where the labyrinth of crete
is in your own mind.

the strength of a lion;
the heart of a man.
the soul of a lover
betrayed again and again.

and she’s somewhere out crying
her blood on the streets.
it’s all stained on his hands
crimson white on the sheets.

he swore it off completely
she doesn’t have a prayer.
he doesn’t know how to heal;
she doesn’t even care.

writing on the walls
to get him out of her mind
and into his, maybe;
it’s too late this time.

he’s trapped in the maze
he created himself.
he killed his hope of survival
leaving his heart on that shelf.

i’m over you now
washed you out of my hair.
his blood’s in the street
and she doesn’t even care.

i’m over you now
i can’t hurt you anymore.
she lost her last chance.
he’ll come back, now, no more.