everyone is making the wrong choice
everyone is settling down.
everyone is letting their bar slip, a bit;
everyone is marrying wrong.

but everyone else is happy,
and has companionship, and love, and a home.
who am i to say it's better
to live miserable and alone?

kids, and a house, and a husband;
a beautiful family all your own.
me, i kiss no little children goodnight--
and i sleep in nobody's arms.

everyone else is settling;
everyone else let their standards fall.
you, you keep yours high, so high;
too high to see anyone over them at all.

i dreamed a dream, and won't let it die;
a dream that ended with you.
to settle, and be happy, or to dream and be alone--
is this what it's coming to?

everyone made the wrong choice
but they're happy, and faithful, and strong.
who am i to say misery is better?
who am i to say they're wrong?

all i ever wanted was a family;
but i've waited for that dream too long.
kept a dream alive, till it consumed me whole;
i think i knew this all along.

who am i to say i'm better?
perhaps i am the one who was wrong.

I've lost my way so long now
This heart was once my home.
It's not your fault, don't say so;
How could you have known?

They lifted off your burden
And threw it in the flames.
Your strength in secrecy's gone, dear
Burning are all your games.

And I know this time they've won
When you're dead you're not alone.
And I know the road goes on
And no one will come to take me home.

They promised me adventure
And mountains filled with gold
As if any bribe was strong enough
To take me from all I've known.

And you say this fire's hellworm
Wreaked horrors still unknown
But this small thieving innocent
Will win you back your home.

And I know this time they've won
When you're dead you're not alone.
And I know the road goes on
And no one will come to take me home.

And yet I am still wandering--
"I cannot guarantee
His safety or his fate here"--
It seems that's up to me.

To find you still had innocence
By losing what you had left.
It's a bloody system to me, dear;
To only live by tasting death.

I miss my books and hearth so
All I have left's the sting--
Can you still keep on fighting
When you're losing everything?

And I know this time they've won
When you're dead you're not alone.
And I know the road goes on
And no one will come to take me home.

 

they all say
i should have known.
should have left you standing alone.

they all say
this was just a lark.
i should have known this from the start.

i can't agree--
was it my fault
to follow you with my whole heart?

don't lie here now
was it really my fault
that loving you tore me apart?

loving you tore me apart.

they laugh it off
expect of me the same.
they don't know you changed the game.

they laugh at me
to still mourn your loss.
if this was my dream, it's not worth the cost.

can i agree--
was it my fault
to follow you with my whole heart?

don't lie to me, dear--
was it really my fault
loving you tore me apart?

loving you tore me apart.

stuck in this hell-hole
stuck in the wait.
wishing you'd open when i knocked on your gate.

in limbo forever
to dwell on my loss.
i wish that we were worth the cost.

my dearest heartbreak
was it my fault
to believe you with my whole heart?

my sweetest agony
was it my fault
to love you with all my heart?

was it my fault.

you tore me apart.

 

 

I don't know how to handle
This different road you take.
One step out of your little door
And you're swept right on off your feet.

I don't know how to contradict
Your very English sensibility.
Of meadows and beer and pipes and green--
All things sentimentality.

And then you find yourself in fire
And fortune and burning and crimson and flight.
And brilliant boldness and terrored truthfulness
That drags you off into the night.

The fire smolders deep in the heart
All locked in their pale burning gold.
But the road goes ever on and on
Drawing you onward away from home.

If the lights on the mountain flicker out
And your adventure taints with secrets untold--
When the darkness creeping closes in
I'll be the one your heart calls home.

I don't know how to reconcile
The adventure and what you left.
A dim foreshadowing of returning so broken;
But you'll merely return changed.

With a ring on your finger, but appearances deceive;
I'm not what you thought I was.
So smooth, so certain, so kindly there;
So soon becoming your heart's only drug.

The fire smolders deep in the heart
All locked in their pale burning gold.
But the road goes ever on and on
Drawing you onward away from home.

If the lights on the mountain flicker out
And your adventure taints with secrets untold--
When the darkness creeping closes in
I'll be the one your heart calls home.

I didn't mean to make you lie;
That was entirely you.
I didn't mean to deceive;
You just didn't want the truth.

I'm with you, forever, I want you to know
I'll never let you go.
I'm with you, forever, I'll never leave you now;
Even when you want it to.

The fire smolders deep in the heart
All locked in their pale burning gold.
But the road goes ever on and on
Drawing you onward away from home.

If the lights on the mountain flicker out
And your adventure taints with secrets untold--
When the darkness creeping closes in
I'll be the one your heart calls home.

I'll be your little secret;
No one else will know.
When the darkness encircles us in its ring
I'll be your only home.

Where there's smoke there's fire;
I was just asking to get burnt.
No one can dance on coals of that
And walk away unhurt.

And just like every skyfall
I'm stuck in the fading light.
Dance on my grave around, love;
No one saw it coming this time.

As the sky is falling to pieces around us
I wonder if love is worth fighting for.
But I look in your eyes, and somehow, dear,
I am willing to take on the world.
As the bleeding leaves fall, you reach out your hand;
And I'm ready to go to war.

I can't trust when it's shattering down;
This battle cost you the war.
A pyrrhic victory at best, love;
Nothing's worth fighting for anymore.

I gave my all to this
And it still wasn't enough.
Perhaps I was lost in translation--
Or, perhaps I chose the wrong one.

As the sky is falling to pieces around us
I wonder if love is worth fighting for.
But I look in your eyes, and somehow, dear,
I am willing to take on the world.
As the bleeding leaves fall, you reach out your hand;
And I'm ready to go to war.

Maybe we were a song best unsung;
Maybe we were doomed from the start.
But some things are worth fighting even if we die.
Some battles are worth your heart.

Maybe we were the last burst of autumn;
Brilliant glory before the final end.
It is worth it to die with this song on your lips;
In some battles, you can never win.

As the sky is falling to pieces around us
I wonder if love is worth fighting for.
But I look in your eyes, and somehow, dear,
I am willing to take on the world.
As the bleeding leaves fall, you reach out your hand;
And I'm ready to go to war.

There are battles that cannot be won, dear;
I wonder if this is worth fighting for.
But this battle, though lost, is worth the cost;
Take my sword, I am going to war.

Though I lose certainly I will still fight;
Perhaps by fighting, regain my soul.

With one look in your eyes I am ready.
My love.
Kiss my sword.
I am going to war.

the first night we touched it was like stars exploding across the sky, fireworks celebrating in the beauty, fire dancing in the light.
stars are most beautiful as they die.
you're like a drug of which i can't get enough even as you addict me more and more to the fatality of you.
and you filled my heart with all of you and then drained me dry to keep it there, and i poured it all into the holes in your life, and it all ran out on the floor, like my everything still wasn't enough. no one's everything would ever be enough.
now i'm left alone in silent places wondering what became of you.
i still remember our conversations for hours on end. the times you touched my heart merely for you were my friend. the heartache waking up without you finally seeing it's all pretend.
we truly had something, before we ruined it with that first kiss.
i've escaped into autumn, escaped into winter, i'll escape again into spring. i'll pick up art as a hobby, but all my drawings end in the same: melancholic sadness. i'm reading more than ever before: c.s. lewis, emily dickinson, robin mckinley, anything i get my hands on.
only the friends in books will never leave you. only the friends in books will always stay the same.
you're like a drug i was kicked off of. a drug i'd be too happy to take right back if it was placed within reach. even knowing while so doing it would drag me back down again.
and i know you weren't seeing reality, i know that's why we're done. i know you weren't emotionally ready, i know i did all i could. but it doesn't make it any better.

you break my heart always.

Our Father who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name.
My soul is lost, my heart downcast;
For Satan has had his way.

And they come creeping in by the windows
They sit laughing on their thrones:
"You lost the game," they cry, they cry:
"Now reign thou all alone."

To beckon through the ages
Haunting in every sphere:
Would that I had the power of Love;
Would that she would come here.

There is nothing new under the sun;
We've seen this all before.
That one dirtbag should spoil the race for a girl;
One warped soul ruin all men for her.

Thy kingdom come assuredly
For her kingdom's on the floor.
She's cried her eyes out pointlessly
No one's listening anymore.

If you do unto others as you'd have them do,
Shouldn't they do the same for you?
I would never have treated any friend that way;
But never, especially, you.

And I've been racking my soul to try to see
What was my big mistake.
Indebted for all eternity
Doomed to love where even God hates.

Forgive me all my trespasses
The most heinous--not being able to stop.
To give second chances ten hundred times over
When angels are crying, "Enough!"

For thine is the kingdom--kingdom of what?
You've won the game of thrones.
A perverted love, to burn eternally
Instead of fading once alone.

Our Father who art in heaven,
Victory, here, was slain.
For just as I was re-beginning to trust,
I lost it all again.

And my Father, I thought a God would know
How much a still-open soul could endure.
I guess you measured with the wrong cup.
I almost reached you before you threw me to earth.

I thought you saw me trying here
Trying to still trust, to still do right.
I can only trust so many times
Before I'm done with that life.

Jaded cynicism as self-preservation
Or grieving with the agonized love of Christ
Over a Judas you let trust again and again.
Choose love or choose ye life.

Our Father who art in heaven,
If I should wake before I die--
Even now, by God, I still choose love.

This too shall pass.

Goodbye.

 

You wrapped me up in your warmth
And my life was already there in your arms.
I never truly trusted till you.
Your vows and steadfast promises made my heart a home.

I'm letting my defenses crash all around me
I hope you can see the girl behind these walls.
I'm so terrified, so frightened, darling, and I tell you that;
And you swear you'll never leave me alone.

I look at you and see
Everything I want to be.
I hope that you catch me here
For I'm already falling for you.

But you step back now
And let me crash into the ground.
I don't know what changed, dear.
I believed you this time.

As my childlike trust plummets in flames around me
I look at you, I can't understand.
You broke up with me and left me
Only weeks after you asked to be my man.

I begged you not to ask me....
To please ask someone else.
I couldn't stand to hurt you
Or to be hurt again.

And I told you I was terrified
And you said you'd be the one to heal me.
I told you I was so messed up, so flawed--
And you said, "You're pretty damn perfect, if you ask me."

I look at you and see
Everything I want to be.
I hope that you catch me here
For I'm already falling.

But you step back now
And let me crash into the ground.
I don't know what changed, dear.
I believed it'd be different this time.

I knew you'd treat me like a queen
No matter if we lasted or we failed.
I knew, this time, I wouldn't be in the same old trap;
Even what you know.....you can be wrong.

I never saw this coming---
None of us did, dear.
My friends, for once, they have no answers.
None of us saw a thing.

Do you know how much it hurts me to see
You were pulling back even as I was giving my all?
I wish I had known this sooner
Maybe I wouldn't have lost so much of my soul.

I look at you and see
Everything I want to be.
I hope that you catch me here
For I'm already falling for you.

But you step back now
And let me crash into the ground.
I don't know what changed, dear.
I believed you this time.

I pray to God this tears you up---
That--somehow--your ease is a lie.
Coz it's tearing me to pieces to believe
You could walk unaffected from our life.

And I loved you, I loved you, I loved you so--
Even now, I still, still do.
I wish I could hate or ignore you--
It'd be easier than still loving you.

Please be grieving over me, darling.
Don't let me be the only one here in hell.
Don't let me realize you were never in this, please--
Let me ignore what I know full well.

I look at you and see
Everything I want to be.
I hope that you catch me here
For I'm already falling.

But you step back now
And let me crash into the ground.
I don't know what changed, dear.
I believed you this time.

But you step back
Let me crash in the dirt.
Can I ever trust again
If I can't take him at his word?

"I love you, I want you, I'm the luckiest man alive--
And I'll never break up with you."
Are eleven weeks really that eye-opening?
Can eleven weeks really change the truth?

It's too late, I'm already falling--
Still falling harder and harder for you.
And I can pretend it's illusion, but it wasn't, it's not;
For eight months before your actions proved your words true.

And eleven weeks was all it took to destroy a friend--
I threw my all in and it still wasn't enough.
I can't fight a war by myself, love;
And definitely not when you're fighting against us.

Left with questions all unanswered
That reverberate in my now-empty heart.
Left wondering eternally
What would have happened had you listened to your heart?

Peer over the edge now
The shadows are calling.
I hope that you catch me
For I'm hopelessly falling......

(this is a genuine bona-fide chordified song! Woo-hoo! )

All I know
You so easily won.
All this time
I thought you were the one.

Give me the grace
To let myself fall.
I'm not infallible
How read I your cards wrong

And I don't know why

I am here
This house that was my home
You won't pick up the phone
It's not that easy
To see
You never loved me
I know you're fine but
What do I do?

Don't tell me to fight
I've already lost the war.
Crippled now, I gave my soul
While you were halfway out the door.

I wish to God
Even now my heart still bleeds
You're lucky love is blind
I never saw you clear.

Or I would have run

I am here
This house that was my home
You won't pick up the phone
It's not that easy
To see
You never loved me
I know you're fine but
What do I do?

A romantic child's heart
Thrust into your cruel world
Shattered dreams on the floor
Is this what you were looking for?

For trusting his word
They say it's all my fault.
Give me the grace
To let myself fall.

Dear God

I am here
A love-soaked bloody mess
And here I will confess
It's not that easy
Realize
Your life was all a lie
You say you're fine but
What do I do?

You say you're fine
I'm losing my grip on life
When you threw me out of yours
You broke all I ever had known.

Give me the grace
To let myself fall.........

 

 

my mind has been everywhere lately. a full week after you and i still don't know what to think. friends ask me how i'm doing and i say "i don't want to talk about it," me, the girl who talks about everything to everybody. the past still haunts me like before, but now the past is you. i want to curl up against someone, letting him tip my chin up and kiss me on the lips, doing whatever he wants, wishing it would drive me out of this funk, wishing it would help me look at someone with fresh eyes, but all it'll do is make me wish he was you.

you live five minutes away. i remember how happy i was to find this out, thinking it would mean i could see you all the time. instead it was like you lived in china, how many times you actually tried to see me. and now the five minutes tortures me mentally, like a constant alarm (reminder), and i drive past it all the time like some masochistic freak, like i'm trying to kill myself wondering whose car is that in the driveway, if you think of me at all, who's spending time with you now.

god does it hurt, missing someone who doesn't miss you at all.

i am tired of crying my eyes out. tired of wearing sunglasses to work making it look like i have a hangover to hide that i spent the entire drive weeping over you. i am tired of you running through my mind like a track on repeat 24/7; tired of being physically incapable of not thinking of you at any single damn time. and i hate my phone, coz everytime it vibrates my heart jams into my throat with a yearning so painful i lose a piece of my soul everytime i look down and see it's not from you.

dear god does it hurt, wondering acutely why this happened; somehow bracing myself enough to dive into my soul and search for the answers only to realize there aren't any answers at all.

i still remember the way you kissed me.
like charlie and the red-headed girl, you kissed me and i could fly.

i am sick of my search for the truth, knowing none of it can explain you. i am sick realizing this is right, and that it doesn't change a thing. i am sick to the heart knowing that i gave you everything while you drew further back. that i poured myself out for you as the physical demonstration of my love, and that you took more and more while you gave less and less. that i was giving everything even as you were drawing back.

when did you decide to leave?
were you always halfway out the door?

i wonder if you ever drive past my house. i wonder if you ever think of me. i wonder if you remember the night you asked me out, when you said you would never break up with me. the first time you kissed me and couldn't believe it was my first time, you said i was that good. the nights where i reassured you of my commitment, of the constancy of my love, knowing that your last had cheated on you, thinking that's why you needed the reassurances. never knowing you asked more of me to fill the hole of you giving less.

you live five minutes away.

i can never get away.

your face is seared into my heart. and i've contemplated alcohol, suicide, one-night stands, becoming an island, all in a desperate mental measure to find something--anything--that could help erase you....to find something---anything--that could even just ease the memory of you, just for a time. but it's all to no avail.

how do you go on living when your growing reason for life was ripped away?

god does it hurt, missing someone who doesn't miss you at all.