I've gotten the butterflies in my stomach before
My heart beating fast
But you make it stop altogether
As you erode away my past.

I've fallen in love before
But not like I've fallen for you
Never thought I'd rise again
But you know what it was like when I last flew.

Everything's so strange
It terrifies me; this awakening.
I'm so scared of the change.
You're the only one who knows what's going on here.

Coz everything is new
When I refused to trust, you called my bluff.
Now everything with you
Feels like the first time now.

I don't understand at all
When I'm with you--can't even cope.
It's like my life's in that song:
How do I get you alone?

It's not like no one's ever touched my skin
But you make it all your own.
If I could have the world tonight, I'd still pick you.
I want you to get me alone.

You draw a breath
You touch my hand
I feel that fire
And I begin to understand

Coz everything is new
You broke away my walls hiding my love.
Now everything with you
Feels like the first time now.

Like the first time you held me in your arms
On that rusty old bed.
Like the first time you ever said "I do"
And cried with each word that you said.
Like the first time with your touch on my body
You made me feel alive.
Like our first child, first house, first everything
You are my first real life.

Now everything is new
And with you I can fully trust.
Now everything with you
Feels like the first time now.

is it completely ridiculous of me, that my definition of 'happiness' is no more or less than your arms around me? am i completely insane, that i drive myself mad imagining you holding me closer than words? am i the only one, that when we're in the same room it takes a deliberate effort of will to keep my eyes off of you? or do you feel the same way too?
i understand now, you see...i understand. sometimes just holding you is not enough and i have to be closer, i need to be closer--i want to mesh our selves together: not just in body but in soul. i want that, you know. i want it with you.
i know all so many other girls want you. you could have your share. i know i have no chance. i know you don't even know i exist.
but it does no harm to hope.
i try desperately to live my own little life, to be open to other men, but i love you. i'm so wildly attracted to you it's completely irrational. all that i want is your hands on me, your mouth against my ear, telling me you love me too.
why is that so hard to come true?
sometimes i just want your arms around me.
sometimes that's not enough.
why do i feel this way if it's not meant to be? i'm a good girl. i've guarded my body, i've guarded my heart. and i've never felt like this before. attracted to guys? yeah, duh. but never so much that i can scarcely breathe when they touch me. never like i am to you. i love you..i want you...i need you. and i don't understand why. i don't understand why i can't get this.
why i can't get you.
all i want is for you to want me just as much as i want you....

....there's got to be something to this. i've never ever felt more strongly before. not like i do now.
maybe we can make this work after all.
maybe we can make this wish come true.

and then i realize, you don't even know my name. though i know everything about you. this whole fantasy--this wish above wishes---it's only in my stupid romantic girlish dreams. you don't know my scars, my walls, my soft spots, my joys. you don't know what makes me tick or makes me cry.
i know every girl you've dated. i know every time one of them has broken your heart.
you don't even know the depths in my soul and i know everything of who you are.

i know every song you'd sing.
and you don't even know my dreams.
even though you're in every one of my dreams.

some fairytales can never be.

Little tight black dress
Smoky eyes, flashing heels.
And I'm gonna go and wear
My heart on my sleeve.

You hate it when I go out alone
Well guess what I'm gonna do.
You haven't been doing this right for a while
So imma find someone who will.

I miss you---maybe---psh like heck I do.
I know my charms and beauty and I don't have to settle.
Doesn't matter that you used to love me, used to hold me close each night
Used to make me happier than joy--no. It doesn't matter.

Margaritas in each hand
And a guy on each arm.
Being courted, flirted, seduced again
Being single is so much fun.

Yeah I've forgotten how you used to turn me on
How you'd keep me up all night
We were both too proud for our own good
Won't surrender up this fight.

I miss you---maybe---yeah like heck I do.
I know my charms and beauty and I don't have to settle.
Doesn't matter that you used to love me, used to hold me close each night
Used to make me happier than joy--no. It doesn't matter.

I'm a woman, I am beautiful, I'll get what I dang well deserve
But I'd fly that white flag if you made me the opening.
I'm every bit a match for you, and I'll prove it if you will
But I'd rather lay down my arms and lay in yours.

So show me that you're stronger
Show me you're the bigger one
By being strong enough to surrender.
By being strong enough to love.

Break this stupid distance of pride in too
My first choice is you, not these other men...
Find a way through this fortress, I'll surrender to you
All it would take is you being sorry
Again.

You're nothing that I want
But you're everything I need.
Oh we'd fight all the time
But we'd always end up agreeing.

Closer than almost anyone else
But that wasn't good enough for you
You started prying deeper
Than anyone had before...

You went too far
You got in too deep
And though I'm dying behind these walls
Still I can't fight my instincts.
Fight or flight I withdraw
There's a reason I have these walls.
And you got too deep for comfort.
Guess I still can't reach out...

I used to be a child
Who trusted unequivocally.
Now I still trust everyone
Coz I don't let them get close enough to hurt me.

I am strong enough to do this
I can go this on my own.
If you never acknowledge your weakness
Then you can function on your own.

You went too far
You got in too deep
And though I'm dying behind these walls
Still I can't fight my instincts.
Fight or flight I withdraw
There's a reason I have these walls.
And you got too deep for comfort.
Guess I still can't reach out...

I'm still a little girl
Lost and hurting in this world
And I just want a prince to come charging in
And break down all my doors.

But you resent me because I'm strong
And I'm the only one who knows you're wrong.

No one believes me coz I'm too convincing a liar.
I knew it'd end this way all along.

You couldn't know what you got
Till away it went.
Didn't know you had any innocence left
Till you kept on losing it.
Couldn't think it could get any worse
Till we dragged you down with us.
Oh
Couldn't bear your light
So we set out to darken ya.

And she flew with the angels
And cried with the rain.
She danced down with Jesus
To sing to the damned.
Never saw nobody else
Who loved like she did
Yeah she walked on water for a while
Till we made her look at the waves.

The bloodsuckers and the politicians
The preachers and the hoes
Didn't like to face the sun
Didn't wanna be exposed.
No one dared to face them up
Just one little girl
Oh
Just one little girl.

Demons rampant in the streets
Set free from filthy hearts.
No one knows how to run
Coz no one knows how to start.
Just one person'll get run over
Can't stop a train on your own
No
Not even that one girl.

Yeah she flew with the angels
And cried with the rain.
She danced down with Jesus
To sing to the damned.
Never saw nobody else
Who loved like she did
Yeah she walked on water for a while
Till we made her look at the waves.

Well the halo is tarnished
Wings broken on the ground.
Can even those who have fallen remember
When they last flew?
A toast to your victory
Now she's down with everyone else.

Drink to your success
Yeah, you've won.

Now she's fallen with the devils
Creating new pain.
She's run away from Jesus
And caught by the damned.
Never saw nobody else
Who loved like she did.
Yeah she was on top of the water for a while
Till she looked at the waves.

She walked on water for a while
Before she sank.

I can't break down
I need these lies.
Without my walls
I can't survive.

I pretend life is happy
And the world is sugar and love
But I don't really believe that
Not really...like, at all.

A facade to paint this blithely on
And smile through the mask.
No one sees through but I know what's true
And it's frozen on my face.

I act like I'm so strong
Like I got it all figured out.
But the truth is I don't deserve you
Like, not at all.

Behind the bravado
And the pretenses and the lies
Pry off my defenses
But you do and I might die.

Leave them in place
And I'm rotting inside
Or try to heal me
At the expense of my life.

The world thinks I am confident
And ready and strong
But I felt like a child again
When you said "I'll take you on."

Can you even heal me?
I don't even know.
But...I think I need you to try.
Don't give up on me now.

They all think I'm too good for you
But the truth is you're too good for me.
I don't deserve what you're willing to give
I can't even help you help me heal.

I don't deserve you fighting this war
When the only prize is me
And it might not happen, it might make it worse
And winning is a kind of defeat.

They say I should get the world
But I can't even face the truth.
You bare the scars I can't bear to see
I don't (at all) deserve you.

The wounds are oozing, I'm content with a band-aid
And I fight you when you rip it away.
I can't help it. I can't help this.
There's nothing left to say.

Save that...I don't deserve you.

But I still need you to stay.

Don't leave.
I know I'm fighting you.
But please don't go away.
I don't have the right to ask
Coz you still try and I still might fight...
But...
Maybe I'll fully be with you someday.

Just don't give up.

Please don't go away.

(Muse: goes on hiatus for a while. Muse: comes back with this? Where does my muse go when it/she/they go on vacation? I don't even wanna know....)

All these countless hours talking
It's kinda a waste.
You think I need more convincing...
Well, I'm not that chaste.

We've been outside my door for a while
But the moon's still in the sky.
Why don't you stop talking
And just kiss me tonight.

I've been waiting for this moment for months
And it feels like an eternity.
Let's get this show on the road
Just shut up and kiss me already.

Romance and sweet stuff, that's all well and good
But...everything has its time.
You've spent those words in the daylight
And now it's time for your lips to meet mine.

There's something to be said for taking it slow
But not so slow that you talk me to death.
Lean in now and kiss me
While there's still some moonlight left.

I've been waiting here for hours
Stop talking already...please?
Enough with the words.
I need to feel you now.
So just shut up and kiss me.

Don't know much about your past
Least not for the past few months
I wrote your story before that
Before our paths parted.

Don't know if you've moved on
Or if you think of me like I do you
If memories have made your life a hell
All I know is

I don't wanna be alone tonight
I wanna go back to when you were mine.
We had something at the beginning
Let's fan it back into flame.

I don't want anyone else holding my body
I want to spend all my cold nights with you.
I want to feel your hands again
I wanna be with you.

I don't know if you've found somebody else
Who's easier to please than me.
I don't know if you thank God every day
That you don't have to deal anymore with me.

Don't know if you think of our times alone with excitement
If we went too far, if we didn't go far enough.
If regrets haunt you like an unfinished dream
All I know is

I don't wanna be alone tonight
I wanna go back to when you were mine.
We had something at the beginning
Let's fan it back into flame.

I don't want anyone else holding my body
I want to spend all my cold nights with you.
I want to feel your hands again
I wanna be with you.

I don't want to be alone anymore.
Can't we make this break through?
I need to feel your hands again.
I need to be with you.

(Isn't "what do you do when your good isn't good enough" a Glee thing too? And it didn't even occur to me till after I wrote this and thought, hmmm, that line sounds kinda familiar..... Ah well. There's nothing new under the sun, right? And I feel like I could be doing worse things in life than listening to an excessive amount of Glee.)

What do you do
When your good isn't good enough?
When you're not good enough for her?
What do you do when you're still in love?
But you can't move on...

What do you do
When you're supposed to get gone?
When your love life is one continual re-run?
What do you do
When she's begging you to stay
But you know that'll only break her even more?

What do you do
When your good isn't good enough
When she's not good enough for you.
What do you do when you know you'd kill each other
But you also know it's killing you now?

Maybe it's not a matter of "good"
Just not good for each other.
Like oil and water
Sun and rain...

But trite words can't soften the pain
When it's your heart bleeding on the floor
And it's coz of her
And nothing you do can stop the ache
When it's your hands who tore your heart out
Coz this couldn't change

Both hands reddened
Nothing can wash it away
Can't ignore the call of the rain
Just let it wash your life away.

Let it wash it all away.

What do you do
When what's right feels so wrong?
To live or to die, you can't do this.
What do you do
When you'd give your blood to change
Couldn't we have had one last kiss?

But it's over now.
And somehow we have to move on....

You saw this coming from a mile away.
You said so yourself.
Then why did you stay?
I gave you everything that I had left.
And you played with it, took it
And made it less.

All I wanted was to be with you.
But more than that, I wanted you to be true.

I've tried to be catering
I've tried to be strong.
Were you really just playing
With me all along?
And you sit there and cry
Like you're the one with wounds to heal.
I don't understand, girl.
What do you want from me?

Like I endured nothing
Waiting all this time
As you would swing back and forth
And constantly change your mind.

Your moods and your tempers
I took that all in stride.
I still love you.
Still want you to be mine.

All I wanted was to be with you.
But more than that, I wanted you to be true.

I've tried to be catering
I've tried to be strong.
Were you really just playing
With me all along?
And you sit there and cry
Like you're the one with wounds to heal.
I don't understand, girl.
What do you want from me?

You say I can't see
How this is haunting you too.
Then show me, tell me.
I wanna understand.
I do.

I wanna make this right.
I still love you.

I've tried to be catering
I've tried to be strong.
Were you really just playing
With me all along?
You sit there and cry
But this isn't just breaking you.
I don't know how to go on
Girl, it's breaking me too.

Tell me what you want
I'll make it happen. You'll see.
But I still don't know what I can do.
What do you want from me?

Tell me.
I'll do anything.
If that's really what you want from me.