Where there's smoke there's fire;
I was just asking to get burnt.
No one can dance on coals of that
And walk away unhurt.

And just like every skyfall
I'm stuck in the fading light.
Dance on my grave around, love;
No one saw it coming this time.

As the sky is falling to pieces around us
I wonder if love is worth fighting for.
But I look in your eyes, and somehow, dear,
I am willing to take on the world.
As the bleeding leaves fall, you reach out your hand;
And I'm ready to go to war.

I can't trust when it's shattering down;
This battle cost you the war.
A pyrrhic victory at best, love;
Nothing's worth fighting for anymore.

I gave my all to this
And it still wasn't enough.
Perhaps I was lost in translation--
Or, perhaps I chose the wrong one.

As the sky is falling to pieces around us
I wonder if love is worth fighting for.
But I look in your eyes, and somehow, dear,
I am willing to take on the world.
As the bleeding leaves fall, you reach out your hand;
And I'm ready to go to war.

Maybe we were a song best unsung;
Maybe we were doomed from the start.
But some things are worth fighting even if we die.
Some battles are worth your heart.

Maybe we were the last burst of autumn;
Brilliant glory before the final end.
It is worth it to die with this song on your lips;
In some battles, you can never win.

As the sky is falling to pieces around us
I wonder if love is worth fighting for.
But I look in your eyes, and somehow, dear,
I am willing to take on the world.
As the bleeding leaves fall, you reach out your hand;
And I'm ready to go to war.

There are battles that cannot be won, dear;
I wonder if this is worth fighting for.
But this battle, though lost, is worth the cost;
Take my sword, I am going to war.

Though I lose certainly I will still fight;
Perhaps by fighting, regain my soul.

With one look in your eyes I am ready.
My love.
Kiss my sword.
I am going to war.

the first night we touched it was like stars exploding across the sky, fireworks celebrating in the beauty, fire dancing in the light.
stars are most beautiful as they die.
you're like a drug of which i can't get enough even as you addict me more and more to the fatality of you.
and you filled my heart with all of you and then drained me dry to keep it there, and i poured it all into the holes in your life, and it all ran out on the floor, like my everything still wasn't enough. no one's everything would ever be enough.
now i'm left alone in silent places wondering what became of you.
i still remember our conversations for hours on end. the times you touched my heart merely for you were my friend. the heartache waking up without you finally seeing it's all pretend.
we truly had something, before we ruined it with that first kiss.
i've escaped into autumn, escaped into winter, i'll escape again into spring. i'll pick up art as a hobby, but all my drawings end in the same: melancholic sadness. i'm reading more than ever before: c.s. lewis, emily dickinson, robin mckinley, anything i get my hands on.
only the friends in books will never leave you. only the friends in books will always stay the same.
you're like a drug i was kicked off of. a drug i'd be too happy to take right back if it was placed within reach. even knowing while so doing it would drag me back down again.
and i know you weren't seeing reality, i know that's why we're done. i know you weren't emotionally ready, i know i did all i could. but it doesn't make it any better.

you break my heart always.

Our Father who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name.
My soul is lost, my heart downcast;
For Satan has had his way.

And they come creeping in by the windows
They sit laughing on their thrones:
"You lost the game," they cry, they cry:
"Now reign thou all alone."

To beckon through the ages
Haunting in every sphere:
Would that I had the power of Love;
Would that she would come here.

There is nothing new under the sun;
We've seen this all before.
That one dirtbag should spoil the race for a girl;
One warped soul ruin all men for her.

Thy kingdom come assuredly
For her kingdom's on the floor.
She's cried her eyes out pointlessly
No one's listening anymore.

If you do unto others as you'd have them do,
Shouldn't they do the same for you?
I would never have treated any friend that way;
But never, especially, you.

And I've been racking my soul to try to see
What was my big mistake.
Indebted for all eternity
Doomed to love where even God hates.

Forgive me all my trespasses
The most heinous--not being able to stop.
To give second chances ten hundred times over
When angels are crying, "Enough!"

For thine is the kingdom--kingdom of what?
You've won the game of thrones.
A perverted love, to burn eternally
Instead of fading once alone.

Our Father who art in heaven,
Victory, here, was slain.
For just as I was re-beginning to trust,
I lost it all again.

And my Father, I thought a God would know
How much a still-open soul could endure.
I guess you measured with the wrong cup.
I almost reached you before you threw me to earth.

I thought you saw me trying here
Trying to still trust, to still do right.
I can only trust so many times
Before I'm done with that life.

Jaded cynicism as self-preservation
Or grieving with the agonized love of Christ
Over a Judas you let trust again and again.
Choose love or choose ye life.

Our Father who art in heaven,
If I should wake before I die--
Even now, by God, I still choose love.

This too shall pass.

Goodbye.

 

You wrapped me up in your warmth
And my life was already there in your arms.
I never truly trusted till you.
Your vows and steadfast promises made my heart a home.

I'm letting my defenses crash all around me
I hope you can see the girl behind these walls.
I'm so terrified, so frightened, darling, and I tell you that;
And you swear you'll never leave me alone.

I look at you and see
Everything I want to be.
I hope that you catch me here
For I'm already falling for you.

But you step back now
And let me crash into the ground.
I don't know what changed, dear.
I believed you this time.

As my childlike trust plummets in flames around me
I look at you, I can't understand.
You broke up with me and left me
Only weeks after you asked to be my man.

I begged you not to ask me....
To please ask someone else.
I couldn't stand to hurt you
Or to be hurt again.

And I told you I was terrified
And you said you'd be the one to heal me.
I told you I was so messed up, so flawed--
And you said, "You're pretty damn perfect, if you ask me."

I look at you and see
Everything I want to be.
I hope that you catch me here
For I'm already falling.

But you step back now
And let me crash into the ground.
I don't know what changed, dear.
I believed it'd be different this time.

I knew you'd treat me like a queen
No matter if we lasted or we failed.
I knew, this time, I wouldn't be in the same old trap;
Even what you know.....you can be wrong.

I never saw this coming---
None of us did, dear.
My friends, for once, they have no answers.
None of us saw a thing.

Do you know how much it hurts me to see
You were pulling back even as I was giving my all?
I wish I had known this sooner
Maybe I wouldn't have lost so much of my soul.

I look at you and see
Everything I want to be.
I hope that you catch me here
For I'm already falling for you.

But you step back now
And let me crash into the ground.
I don't know what changed, dear.
I believed you this time.

I pray to God this tears you up---
That--somehow--your ease is a lie.
Coz it's tearing me to pieces to believe
You could walk unaffected from our life.

And I loved you, I loved you, I loved you so--
Even now, I still, still do.
I wish I could hate or ignore you--
It'd be easier than still loving you.

Please be grieving over me, darling.
Don't let me be the only one here in hell.
Don't let me realize you were never in this, please--
Let me ignore what I know full well.

I look at you and see
Everything I want to be.
I hope that you catch me here
For I'm already falling.

But you step back now
And let me crash into the ground.
I don't know what changed, dear.
I believed you this time.

But you step back
Let me crash in the dirt.
Can I ever trust again
If I can't take him at his word?

"I love you, I want you, I'm the luckiest man alive--
And I'll never break up with you."
Are eleven weeks really that eye-opening?
Can eleven weeks really change the truth?

It's too late, I'm already falling--
Still falling harder and harder for you.
And I can pretend it's illusion, but it wasn't, it's not;
For eight months before your actions proved your words true.

And eleven weeks was all it took to destroy a friend--
I threw my all in and it still wasn't enough.
I can't fight a war by myself, love;
And definitely not when you're fighting against us.

Left with questions all unanswered
That reverberate in my now-empty heart.
Left wondering eternally
What would have happened had you listened to your heart?

Peer over the edge now
The shadows are calling.
I hope that you catch me
For I'm hopelessly falling......

(this is a genuine bona-fide chordified song! Woo-hoo! )

All I know
You so easily won.
All this time
I thought you were the one.

Give me the grace
To let myself fall.
I'm not infallible
How read I your cards wrong

And I don't know why

I am here
This house that was my home
You won't pick up the phone
It's not that easy
To see
You never loved me
I know you're fine but
What do I do?

Don't tell me to fight
I've already lost the war.
Crippled now, I gave my soul
While you were halfway out the door.

I wish to God
Even now my heart still bleeds
You're lucky love is blind
I never saw you clear.

Or I would have run

I am here
This house that was my home
You won't pick up the phone
It's not that easy
To see
You never loved me
I know you're fine but
What do I do?

A romantic child's heart
Thrust into your cruel world
Shattered dreams on the floor
Is this what you were looking for?

For trusting his word
They say it's all my fault.
Give me the grace
To let myself fall.

Dear God

I am here
A love-soaked bloody mess
And here I will confess
It's not that easy
Realize
Your life was all a lie
You say you're fine but
What do I do?

You say you're fine
I'm losing my grip on life
When you threw me out of yours
You broke all I ever had known.

Give me the grace
To let myself fall.........

 

 

my mind has been everywhere lately. a full week after you and i still don't know what to think. friends ask me how i'm doing and i say "i don't want to talk about it," me, the girl who talks about everything to everybody. the past still haunts me like before, but now the past is you. i want to curl up against someone, letting him tip my chin up and kiss me on the lips, doing whatever he wants, wishing it would drive me out of this funk, wishing it would help me look at someone with fresh eyes, but all it'll do is make me wish he was you.

you live five minutes away. i remember how happy i was to find this out, thinking it would mean i could see you all the time. instead it was like you lived in china, how many times you actually tried to see me. and now the five minutes tortures me mentally, like a constant alarm (reminder), and i drive past it all the time like some masochistic freak, like i'm trying to kill myself wondering whose car is that in the driveway, if you think of me at all, who's spending time with you now.

god does it hurt, missing someone who doesn't miss you at all.

i am tired of crying my eyes out. tired of wearing sunglasses to work making it look like i have a hangover to hide that i spent the entire drive weeping over you. i am tired of you running through my mind like a track on repeat 24/7; tired of being physically incapable of not thinking of you at any single damn time. and i hate my phone, coz everytime it vibrates my heart jams into my throat with a yearning so painful i lose a piece of my soul everytime i look down and see it's not from you.

dear god does it hurt, wondering acutely why this happened; somehow bracing myself enough to dive into my soul and search for the answers only to realize there aren't any answers at all.

i still remember the way you kissed me.
like charlie and the red-headed girl, you kissed me and i could fly.

i am sick of my search for the truth, knowing none of it can explain you. i am sick realizing this is right, and that it doesn't change a thing. i am sick to the heart knowing that i gave you everything while you drew further back. that i poured myself out for you as the physical demonstration of my love, and that you took more and more while you gave less and less. that i was giving everything even as you were drawing back.

when did you decide to leave?
were you always halfway out the door?

i wonder if you ever drive past my house. i wonder if you ever think of me. i wonder if you remember the night you asked me out, when you said you would never break up with me. the first time you kissed me and couldn't believe it was my first time, you said i was that good. the nights where i reassured you of my commitment, of the constancy of my love, knowing that your last had cheated on you, thinking that's why you needed the reassurances. never knowing you asked more of me to fill the hole of you giving less.

you live five minutes away.

i can never get away.

your face is seared into my heart. and i've contemplated alcohol, suicide, one-night stands, becoming an island, all in a desperate mental measure to find something--anything--that could help erase you....to find something---anything--that could even just ease the memory of you, just for a time. but it's all to no avail.

how do you go on living when your growing reason for life was ripped away?

god does it hurt, missing someone who doesn't miss you at all.

 

If I'm dreaming, come wake me up;
Coz I don't wanna dream about you anymore.
If I'm sleeping, come crawl in my bed;
Coz the past few nights I can't stand on my own.

If I'm drinking, just leave me be;
I just need to drink you right out of my head.
If I'm slipping, then come catch me;
I can't seem to hold myself together again.

I can't stand my dreams anymore
Coz they're the only things I have left of you.
Pathetic fragments of what I used to know;
I can't stand to wake up, can't bear to fall asleep.

The nightmare of you kicking me out of your arms
Became my nearest reality.
It's so hard to live your life
When it's made of the stuff of dreams.

It's so hard to wake up to a brand new day
When you're terrified of your dreams.

If I'm lying, don't worry, just smile and move on;
I can't ever tell you the truth
That I'm falling to pieces from the inside out;
Still craving to be with you.

If I'm falling, then let me; I can't fly without you;
In the impact the pain will still prove I'm alive.
I'm tearing my mind apart trying to see what I did wrong;
I don't understand why you didn't even want to try.

I can't stand my dreams anymore
Coz they're the only things I have left of you.
Pathetic fragments of what I used to know;
I can't stand to wake up, can't bear to fall asleep.

The nightmare of you kicking me out of your arms
Became my nearest reality.
It's so hard to live your life
When it's made of the stuff of dreams.

It's so hard to wake up to a brand new day
When you're terrified of your dreams.

I never used to drink before;
Never used to do a lot of things.
You're probably feeling superior as you pass me by;
Well you weren't the one left here.

Realizing I was the only one trying;
The only one all in.
I poured my everything into this
And you walked with open hands.

So yes, I turn to the bottle now;
What else, when you can't sleep?
No other's hands could ever trace fire on my body
Or awaken my soul with every kiss.

The nightmare of you kicking me out of your arms
Became my nearest reality.
It's so hard to live your life
When it's made of the stuff of dreams.

It's so hard to wake up to a brand new day
When you're terrified of your dreams.

If I'm dreaming, don't wake me up;
Let me be a masochistic freak.
If it's the only way to be with you
Then I'll live, now, in my dreams.

If I'm dreaming, don't wake me up;
No, forever, let me sleep.
No more will I haunt reality
With you forever in my dreams.

 

You fall so much harder when you're older
The gold apple he threw you hid a rotten heart.
You cannot bounce up unscathed;
The race was lost before the start.

I don't wanna rest, let down my guard;
Don't want to trade my life in favor of my dreams.
They close those doors and send you forth naked to face the storm;
How can you take the plunge and take the fall when you can't even breathe?

You step out in faith and then plummet into thin air
Just when you think you're almost there.
And the faint moon like the cheshire cat's grin
mockingly laughing against the glare.

You fall so much harder when you're older
No childlike resiliency can fully mend the breach this time.
If you keep your dreams lower and your hope over
You'll never fall when you never fly.

You step out in faith and then plummet to the ground
Just when you believe you're almost there.
And the moon like the cheshire cat grinning down on you
Faint mockery not withstanding the glare.

I'm all I'm cracked up to be
I was cracking long before now.
With thin icy silver fingers of filaments
Streching like cyanide into my heart.

The moon like a cheshire cat grins down on you
As you look up from the hole in the ground.
That step of faith dashed you into pieces below
Sometimes the lost can never be found.

Broken long before your time
Too late to realize it now.
This was your most perfect mistake, but
It's too late to change it now.

Yes darling, it's too late.
Too late to change it now.
And the moon slowly wanes from your dying sight;
You're too lost to be found now.

 

I hear the bells sound in the morning
As I curl up on the porch alone.
Escaped my friends to come and hide
But I still brought my phone.

Hoping--somehow--you'd call me
Somehow you didn't mean what you said.
Begging to God to hear me now;
To resurrect what is now dead.

And you think of our fighting, the clashes and tears;
But I remember our magic, that fire, your light.
Dancing in the starlight, there is no one more right;
You remember our breakup, but I remember our life.

You always said you hated the "it's not you, it's me" excuse;
Yet it's exactly what you pulled on me.
Coz you told me I was perfect, the most beautiful girl, you know;
But it still wasn't good enough for you to want me.

Your friends say you're depressed, you're feeling so down;
But they also say your mind is made up.
Never thought the perfect girl would be the one to be dumped here;
Never thought you'd be the one to break up.

Call me hopeless, romantic, but you called me that first time;
And eight months later, you said you needed me in your life.
I'd count my many flaws with a laugh, but you pulled me close and said
"Well I think you're pretty damn perfect, to me."

And you think of our problems and the constant talks
But I know we both took each other to unreachable heights.
And when we were laughing there was no one more right;
You remember our breakup, but I remember our life.

Do you remember the breathless fire when your lips were on mine?
How we could tell each other anything, despite our previous scars?
You told me you'd never call this off, coz you could never find someone so true.
Did you mean any of it?
Anything at all?

Our chemistry was like a fire hazard, our love so rough and right;
You protected me, and kept me safe; I was always happiest in your arms.
And I said we might have obstacles, but I believe we can work them out.
Did you mean any of it? Coz I still mean it all.

Now my fate is to wander on this wayfare;
My condemnation, to know you as a stranger.

Despite all the new scars I received at your hands
If you called me back tonight I'd do it all over again.

You are dwelling on all the negatives, all the problems couples have.
And you put the blame on me when it's really both (and neither) of us.
And you don't remember how perfect we were, how your differences complemented my strengths;
You remember the few reasons we would fight, but I remember the countless reasons we were right.

Opposites attract, and you focused on the few ways we were off;
Darling, I focused on our life.

Don't all relationships have things to work through?
Don't all relationships compromise?
If you would commit we could see this through.....(I believe).

I still want you in my life.